我的小天地

systemic critique and reading reality while suspending paradigms

2011-06-01T11:41:00.002+08:00

still not critical enough..

how i cannot appreciate the foreign powers' (fr, EU, italy) interests in Libya.. cos i don't take such a realist paradigm..

it's not like i must take the realist school, but i must not reject the possibility so instinctively ..

seeing opportunities and goodwill is a must, but not to the extent of blinding me..

also..i cant seem to critic systems..

like when i study concepts and principles like freedom, rule of law, democracy, or even theories like conflict theories, structural functionalism... i can't even see the theoretical loopholes or "what matters" or the key gears and bolts..

i see them as a whole, and i am impressed by the system's wholesomeness but i forget to think about the problems...

Problems:

1. systemic critique

2. reading reality vs. paradigms i hold onto

MNCs and IR-> breaking the paradigm

2011-05-27T20:01:00.004+08:00

well,

i have decided to change this into a journal recording how my thoughts and paradigms change over time.

today, I remarked( on fb ) that:

it's always interesting to study a new field of knowledge, even more interesting to see your fixated paradigms fall

apart and seeing new information, which you never quite appreciated, being accepted and made meaningful

Recalls 2weeks of thinking about MNCs and IR.

Having been studying IR and watching the theories for some time, I became quite fixated about the primacy of state actors in IR.

While I acknowledged that MNCs and other non-state actors are up and coming and may pose challenges and new inputs to IR, I never quite paid much attentions to MNCs.

Deep inside, I was stuck with the definition that “participating in IR / Foreign Affairs” = meddling with politics.

Going by this definition, only rare instances of MNCs intervening and trying to uproot states would qualify as "participating in IR/ Foreign Affairs".

Thus I was blind to signals and daily or recent examples of MNCs role in IR.

It was only later, after I slowly started to join the dots and really accepted a broader definition of IR and foreign affairs, did I come to appreciate how MNCs and IR affect each other.

•Int’l Affairs<->; Trade regimes <-> MNCs

•Int’l Politics<-> Economic weapons<-> MNCs

–Sanctions

–Tools for cooperation

–Tools to achieve political ends ( growth )

•Int’l Politics <->Symbolic cooperation <->MNCS

•Int’l Politics<->govt-led cooperation ( multi-diplomacy )<->MNCs

•Domestic Policy <-> need help to develop <-> MNCs invited

•MNC<->asking for protection

Goes to show how easily we get fixated on some paradigms and cannot snap out of it. As such, it is important that we, upon detecting that we ain’t getting any signals or reading any information, we need to think a little harder and break out of the paradigm.

The question is HOW? How do we know? How do we know what to do?

2011-03-28T01:40:00.001+08:00

等不到昨天。

等不到今天。

我看我永远永远注定要咸咸。

2011-02-02T23:56:00.000+08:00

2011-01-11T16:26:00.002+08:00

i m always very good at solving other ppl's problems, but not mine.

now i have to solve my problems.

and i m hoping for a happy ending.

wish me luck.

2010-12-31T12:43:00.000+08:00

it is just sad.

the world is just sad.

life is fragile. hold on tight while you still can.

it is just sad.

2010-12-27T22:49:00.002+08:00

终于走到这里，

让我多呆一会儿。

让我享受那么最后一刻。

别这么快让我想起那一首歌。

这是副歌的结束还是片尾曲的开始？

if there were credits, let them roll.

if there were replays, let them re-live.

if there were a second part to it, let me be with you.

2010-12-25T22:21:00.002+08:00

your song, your melodies, dancing around me,

do u noe it just makes me... so into it.

do u noe how nice sounding it is

i dfjoiwfd.sjfv.ukeqt gvtjkbjgkertgt jkfdlkjrewfnlkrfg,.jkv ljhflkflk ljhfkurfkjwrnglfhuifkjdgkjgifnblfifyvjsf,jfgfisdfkighsf,djfg dufhdflgehuifvgslfkhweoifyhoidhqor hfeoksdoughfpfjfoiwedcqdliffdhgojfdjfoijw rjhojflgjfdoi tf lwdhn gtbhifcw5t lgfkusdbgrw2hiuivguhsvslidgvdsnkcdsfsdjgvdagfdsvlhuavdscljvqdajvlkcnfdsv lclncdsnchvfhoigvsfjoifwdhfouhsdfiusdhfohfoifjowehfwohfouhheohweofhouwfhowfhwouefhwoefhwoufhoweworeufhweofhwrehoofuhfuwehufowehfowhfewsouhfoufwhrdfouwehfowehfouwehfofhwreohu fouhw ewhruohfwouweiofoweufhifhoiwrdouhfwoeifuhoweouhfouhwfweougfwoeusfou wrevuhwrf ouhouhf fh f hw uwh uhslid f uilhs fdfds oiuhgsgfdjhfdfdljhdbfgjkgbgfjmknv uyvdsjmkbgfhbgkjkgsljkfsdskjfsljkfdsljkfsdljkwr4mn czxuryhsggdgdgdjgfdijgfdjkjgfdfdsnjbfvjjeyghkrljwfvdvkgrewkkvg w gi; ioi woig oew 43oijwf weifewioff wioe foieq jweoi iew ri tj tjie jgrow;oiw kwhif '0.o welifwoew lk nsdlk ndslk gwneawl g lsuid hoij srh e lwe irlb24ue ipnl rjbn31huo howil nmrpqio3 ujpkw nrlwrk ht3rli tm;re biusdf gqeiuwb rn;2k3h0f8wetgr 9o3i;'4vp12oi-=d0 wyhegiduqwk'ei1k2-=0v3u210idk

[diuq0w9r dbk r0yqw8ebdqwpo ygef8wrtohfjrep0o8gtwel rfe9 rfe

whee..

u rock.

2010-12-16T20:13:00.002+08:00

why do birds, suddenly appear.

every time, you are near...

cos like me, they long to be, close to you.

do not try to be anorexic, it'll only harm your teeth and dreams.

but try telling that to me,

when the pain is so much in the air,

the feeling of helplessness all becos of you..........

as i move, as i seek, to be close to you...

sprinkle tears and fears, all over my head,

asking me to .. grow up...

i will try.

do my best,

just to be close to you....

2010-12-14T11:00:00.000+08:00

"Only Love"

2 a.m. and the rain is falling

Here we are at the crossroads once again

You're telling me you're so confused

You can't make up your mind

Is this meant to be

You're asking me

But only love can say - try again or walk away

But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do

In your arms as the dawn is breaking

Face to face and a thousand miles apart

I've tried my best to make you see

There's hope beyond the pain

If we give enough, if we learn to trust

I know if I could find the words

To touch you deep inside

You'd give our dream just one more chance

Don't let this be our good-bye

感情是什么？

2010-12-09T21:00:00.002+08:00

感情是什么？

为什么我收到甲人的关心，却毫无感情？

为什么我只看到乙人使我麻烦和厌倦的东西而忽略了他对我的关心？

为什么我当时对丁人的默默无闻毫无在意，如今却因小小的风吹草动而矛盾不堪？

为什么甲乙丙丁，我没有写丙？是他不存在，还是我感情世界没有他的地位？

甲乙丙丁是谁，倾斜就知道。

但是说了那么多，感情是什么？我还是不知道。

the devil's staying here.

2010-11-24T00:07:00.002+08:00

you come from my land,

to take words back.

but can you also help me send a package back?

a package of warmth

captured on this cold cold day.

a pretty smile

that comes along with it.

bring it back to my darling, my dearest, give it my deepest thoughts and deepest feelings,

cos, the devil's not coming back.

2010-11-20T01:46:00.002+08:00

终于，我可以解冻这份情。

两年，我也熬过了。

就让我把冻结过的心拿出来，

放在你手心里，

交换给你。

细心照顾，耐心呵护。

爱你，不再让我无助。

只有美丽的憧憬和完美的回忆。

人生海海

2010-11-14T15:35:00.002+08:00

这首歌最重要的一句话：

有一天　我在想　我到底　算是個什麼東西

還是我　會不會　根本就不算東西

天天都漫無目的　偏偏又想要證明　真理

別人從屁股放屁　我卻每天每天的說要革命

就算是這個世界　把我拋棄　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定

所以我說　就讓它去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起　有什麼了不起

常常我　豁出去　拼了命　走過卻沒有痕跡

可是我　從不怕　挖出我火熱的心

手上有一個硬幣　反面就決定放棄　嗝屁

但是啊在我心底　卻完完全全不想放棄

就算是這個世界　把我拋棄　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說　就讓它去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起　有什麼了不起

常常我　閉上眼睛　聽到了海的呼吸　

是你

溫柔的藍色潮汐　告訴我沒有關係

就算真的這個世界　把我拋棄　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定

所以我說　就讓它去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起　我不能忘記

無論是我的明天　要去哪裡　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定

所以我說　就讓他去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起有什麼了不起

有什麼了不起

啦...啦..啦...

2010-11-03T01:14:00.003+08:00

roses are red,

violets are blue,

how can i tell you..

that i still love you..

2010-11-02T03:14:00.002+08:00

it's been some time..

最近在地铁站内看到一幅广告图上面写着：

“动作片、恐怖片、喜剧片。。。有你陪伴就是爱情片”

这句话说对了。

我太久没看爱情片了。。

想你。。

盼望未来。。

你还会在吗?

2010-08-02T20:28:00.002+08:00

angsty like wth.

if u prick me, do i not bleed

if u tickle me, do i not laugh

if u fwejoifewiofjew me, maybe i won't care.

angsty like wth.

2010-07-17T11:07:00.001+08:00

小动作就吓死人。

无语。

无奈。

无策。

无聊。

2010-07-12T00:07:00.001+08:00

2010-07-11T23:44:00.002+08:00

i hate this feeling.

really hate this feeling.

i hate this feeling of ..

not being able to tell you, that i love u so much.

sucks.

back again. i nv seem to be able to break out of that love-notlove cycle.

but what can i do to tell you,

i just want to be with you..

2010-07-04T01:46:00.000+08:00

让我带你回到曾经想带你去的地方，想念你。

想念未来的回忆

还是回忆未来的想念？

无语。

爱，

只属于你。

recharge

2010-06-27T21:02:00.002+08:00

最近，发生了好多事。。

不喜欢的东西好多。

好像掉进了旋涡似的，变成了worker bee。

worker bee还好，有时，我甚至忘了我是谁，忘了我的身份，忘了我是战士。

我是战士，

我是斗士。

我是会飞的愚公。

是会移山的飞蛾。

还好，

回到了美好的地方，让我recharge许多。

还好，时不时有贵人提醒我，我是谁。

self-actualisation, 有时候有culture帮一把，便容易多了。

在我回到象牙塔之前，

希望学习怎么蜕变。

怎么从robot蜕变成战士。

我需要学会在旋涡里飞起，

从堆里腾空。

把我锁在命运的枷锁了无所谓，

但若这笼子(box)因我开始颤抖，

开始盘旋而上，

请勿惊讶。

我只不过是脱颖而出的飞蛾，
鹤立鸡群的斗士。

你好，我是愚公，
地上的黄土准备听命！

2010-06-08T23:23:00.000+08:00

View Larger Map

2010-05-06T20:27:00.001+08:00

有啊热他和热啊爽哦你爱哈特是他应因他和一丝妇产科啊惠普评论啊册。

有啊热他和热啊爽哦你爱玩他哦是他让他啊呢我发明里无法恶化们咯额度哦呢。

2010-05-02T14:30:00.002+08:00

another of those times,

where i feel like toking to u.

send a msg,

but never getting a reply.

2010-05-01T19:39:00.002+08:00

when you have been buried.

buried under layers and layers

of complications..

you want to rise up.

you want to come back.

you want to kiss death goodbye.

you wait for the right time;

for the ghosts to be gone

for the spirits to wander off

for all the mysterious fog that once made you fall into the trap..

to all disappear..

then you realise;

before it's time to rise again,

before it's time to clear up once again,

the trap door will open,

sending you to another realm;

giving you a shot at immortality; to be the guardians of the world.

what do you do?

do you dig up,

do you wait to embrace a new life.

or do you,

reach out your arms,

into the soil,

hoping to get another moment,

wishing for it to last forever,

as if, my arms were wrapping around you.

i miss being with you.

i do.

2010-04-25T13:02:00.000+08:00

note to self: you got to get yourself together, you got stuck in a moment that you can't get out of it...

2010-04-25T03:13:00.003+08:00

thank you fate for being really kind to me,

i just hope fate can be a little more generous,

and spare me the pain..

and grant me the happiness i so yearn for.

傻傻为她不入睡

冷漠

2010-04-16T21:40:00.001+08:00

或许冷漠是幸福的冷藏室。

或许，冷漠是死亡的意思。

或许。。。冷漠本身也期待着冻结的那一刻。

或许————冷漠才不会常有任何伤人致命的痛。

难道，冷漠才是最温柔最温暖的痛。

2010-04-14T22:04:00.002+08:00

weird.

i duno.

wish everybody happiness, especially u .

2010-03-20T10:51:00.003+08:00

ppl are rarely happy with what they have...

what they have managed to accomplished...

they only wallow about what they have lost............

it sucks more

to know that

u can't have it back

even if u can

u can't have it back now..

sucks sucks sucks sucks...

烦烦烦烦烦

后悔后悔后悔后悔

歉疚歉疚歉疚

什么也不想做
什么也不想去思考
什么也不想吃
什么什么什么什么

×消遣×

2010-03-20T02:11:00.001+08:00

从前，

有一个小孩子。

他刚学会走路。

突然，他跌倒了。

他倒在地上哭。

你说，

他应该站起来再尝试，

还是永远坐在地上。。。。

泪水的寄托

2010-03-19T15:59:00.001+08:00

谁说落泪是弱者的专属
谁说泪光是心里的难过
我的泪其实是我内心的寄托
对梦想的笑容
对爱人的承诺

2010-03-15T22:49:00.003+08:00

很想哭。。

很想哭。。

很想让哭声打破噩梦

很想让泪水堵住侵蚀的沙漠

很想让我内心的那股力量把你追回来

难道这就是你说的无奈？

不想听。。

不想听。。

不想听我的借口

不想听过去不小心的漏口

实在不想听你哭泣着、流血的伤口

难道这就是我亲口说的承诺？

好想你

好想听

好想会来好好地爱你

无语。

什么是真爱？

真爱是一次又一次地更爱你。

2010-03-14T17:00:00.003+08:00

这是最美丽的第几天？

我只水水地记得

我想紧紧地握着

每一滴

泪水

雨水

这么静静地

时间就这么流逝。

难道我已经忘记了？

不是。

因为，

有些事，

流过泪才记得牢。

当你一次又一次

我已一次又一次地发现，

我们是同一种人。

什么是真爱？

是一次又一次地爱上同一个人。

这就是美丽的纪念日。

2010-02-23T22:03:00.000+08:00

even a puppet shows more emotions than i do.

2010-02-20T10:23:00.001+08:00

感动。不敢动

2010-02-03T22:14:00.002+08:00

不会动的感动
不会感动地动

不懂得感动
不感动得懂

不美的感动
不感动的美

不感动的爱
不爱的感动

不新的感动
不感动的心

你有多少的感动?
我的感动有多少?

其实，我也点儿也没动
或许，你已不会再感动

即使感动，
可能已不敢动
不敢动就不会感动

2009-12-24T03:45:00.002+08:00

today i thought of a character i tried to write abt sometime ago:

为什么看到笑脸会哭？

we know more abt wad we dun haf rather than wad we have.

once, there was a very bright kid.

who was blessed with the abilities to attain what he wanted.

but then, he learnt that a blessing can be a nightmare at the same time.

how much he dreads sitting at the table, mingling and smiling at those ppl.

how do u expect him to like you.

when all you gave him were cold shoulders, fierce callings and stern stares.

how can u expect him to show you respect, when u were the ones who failed to give him due respect.

he dreaded the politics on one side

he hated the unfairness on the other.

how much he has seen, that how lucky and fortunate he is.

but if honesty is a virtue, he will tell you, he doesnt bloody care.

if there is something that he needs,

it is feel loved.

sth that eluded him always.

so much so that he cannot bring himself to believe that

love need not be expressed, only needs to be present in the lover's heart.

he uses this as an excuse - when asked if he likes, or at the very least, cares about those ppl who sit across the table.

u noe wad? he doesnt care.

he only cares about him him him and himself.

becos, to him, he needs to feel loved before he can start caring and loving.

he needs to feel unloved to stop caring and loving.

therefore, he understands why he was willing to trash everything, just to feel loved.

and now he understands why everything was trashed, causing him to feel even more unloved.

he can love u, if u love him.

but if u dun wan to love him, pls unlove him.

----

scary.

2009-12-22T20:44:00.000+08:00

if i can shout out,

i will shout..

i hate this limbo...

miss u.

2009-12-13T21:57:00.001+08:00

maybe..

when haf more time..

回来吧。。

2009-12-05T20:36:00.002+08:00

希望。。。你能听得到。。。

很怕。。

很怕我不敢做出牺牲。

很怕，我不敢开口。

很怕，时间让我掉进另一个囚徒困境。。

我最怕的不是当时的胡言乱语，

我怕的正是快要降临的命运。。

还是希望。。

回来吧。。

random thoughts

2009-12-05T00:31:00.002+08:00

i had a dream

i dreamt that some brit cracked a cool joke that was really funny

a true blue brit humour which i have never been able to pull off in reality

so can i say that i am capable of sth, that i usually cannot, in my dreams?

so which means i can do anything in my dreams.

but i have yet to learn how to control my dreams.

i can stop.pause,eject, but havent learnt to rewind or start my dreams at my command.

mm...

before i die ( as in when i m old and stuff ) i wish to master the art of dreammaking

then i shld be able to unlock more of my subconscious mind aka the other 90% of my brain's computing capacity.

...

on another note,

i shld learn to take care of my health more.

even if it is not for myself.

...

on another note,

i think i m turning into another of those droids..

well, i have to turn into a droid before i can help improve the droid,

as long as i keep my core and purpose intact, i shld be fine.

after all, we muz credit the merits of the imperfections...

..

on another note,

i was reading a book on dynamism

it claimed that if we stop being dynamic ( as an institution ), we will slow down and and decay ...

that is assuming that decay and slowing down is the natural process / default state.

therefore, dynamic ain't the default state, aka not the natural state.

therefore u will always feel pressure and resistance, that forces you back.

let's deconstruct this assumption.

let's reconstruct our mindset.

dynamism = norm = default.
if you stop ( aka unnatural ), you are forcing yourself to deviate to the norm, so you had better be dynamic.

sounds unnatural?

i believe it is all in the mind.

lesson learnt: do not let our presuppositions become our determinant.

period.

PSLE results ( nt mine )

2009-11-27T01:35:00.000+08:00

happy for my lil kids @ CDAC / TP SSC

well done!

:)

sometimes,

it doesn't matter how well you score in the exams,

the key is how much you learn.

i wonder if ppl in the elitist enclave noes this.

more happy than satisfied

that excitement, as if i m joining sec 1 nxt yr again hahahaha...

下雨。发呆。思念

2009-11-20T21:12:00.002+08:00

今天。。

雨下得很大很大。。

我发呆。。

发呆。。

很可爱。。

但。。

我发的呆。。

让我想念。。

对你的想念。。

你就。。

坐在不远处。。

顿时。。

一首歌。。

在广播上。。播放。。

仿佛。。雷声没有中断

任何的信号。。。。

若我心里的信号也可以传到。。

你的心里。。。。

哪里去寻找有机的爱
多爱一回也不受伤害
就让心底的爱情线不必灌溉
与生俱来

哪里去寻找有机的爱
多爱一回有益而无害
仿佛心底纯真如昔那个小孩
活过来我期待

太美的歌词。。

或许。。不适合这不太美丽的世界。。

talk

2009-11-18T20:35:00.003+08:00

life has never been better.

no, not that A levels are the sweetest thing on earth, but i do love this period of time,

little pressure ( or m i living in a moral hazard ? )

auto pilot ( just do it, dun nid to think too much )

ample rest ( it s not every day i get to get sufficient rest and can top it up with an afternoon nap )

stable and almost routine life ( no sudden surprises to throw you off course, i love sudden shocks but they can be tiring )

what more can i ask for?

i really love this period of time.

---

good things have been happening.

good.

liberal? control freak?

how to strike a balance?

if one dominate, one can control, one can steer, however, one may or may not hold the key to represent all. speedy and efficient, but i duno if it is the most democratic.

democracy is a big concept. but we must note that democracy works with capitalism
capitalism = selfish
democracy = equalizer
tough balance.

notwithstanding the fact that any method / style can never achieve 100%, it is interesting to note that democracy, or where one plays a ''smaller'' role and allow others to play ''equal'' role, taps on more, is self sufficient, works like a multi-cylinder engine. the key challenge here is to coordinate.

the other, which i have been more disposed to, tends to have a major cylinder to ''tap'' on the others to play sub roles. powerful. efficient. good start up, but how abt the times when the main piston reaches its ''blind'' or ''dead'' spot? engine slows and jerks. what if the piston leaves?

if given a chance, i would like to try again.
i tried to work the former, that was the first time i used it. but it still had an awful strong smell of the latter.
my previous experiments with the former all failed.

interestingly, with a smaller grp or shld i say, one partner, the former, in its most extreme laissez-faire form, worked wonders.
i will not pull that off with a larger group. cos it will just be a mess. it takes time to reach a balance, but stability must be ensured at all times, lest legitimacy and confidence becomes a liability and the balance will never be achieved.

so let's see,

a couple of takeaways:
1. the latter is good.
2. the former is good.
3. the former is LT goal
4. the latter is ST goal
5. a couple of ways to get things done: a. power b. practical c. influence d. ideas.

a / b are ST, quick victories, sure-fire tactics
c /d are LT, developmental, self-sustaining tactics

key concept: it is not you, it is abt ur the team. ( i.e. you are merely a part of it, not it )

if you are a stem, u muz let the other branches grow bigger than you are, if not, the tree will always be limited by your size. you become a liability, not an asset.

you are nth but an asset, which must lose its relative value over time.

i.e. the best reward for any team player, is to become obsolete. becos, by then, you noe that your organization has grown beyond you.

i hope i can get kicked out of whatever organization i join in the future.

--..

wow, i had time for that. see, we all need time to daydream and wonder ard things, with short, sudden, almost-random stimulus, if u set your mind to think abt such stuff, your mind will link things up, just make sure u jot them down when they are ready and ripe!

--

prize for anyone who understands what toking me.
- tag to claim prize

2009-09-24T23:14:00.003+08:00

prelims - crashed and burnt..

trying too hard for perfection ends often ends up in a perfectly disastrous imperfection.

cool.

last one tml.

let's try going easy on this one.

on another note:

i m seriously considering wad i wana do in.. well.. a few mths to a few yrs' time..

the big T or sth..

i dun like the restrictions thou..

i shall try to find out more frm Emcc and Ant. when i m done wif my prelims tml.

pku/renda here i come. S + E .. and hopefully MPP after that.. but if i go the big T.. maybe not..

2009-09-06T21:54:00.001+08:00

really pretty..

still very much innocent looking.

maybe i shld catch up sum dae :)

2009-09-04T20:50:00.003+08:00

today sucked.

indecisive.

unresponsive.

not nimble enough.

no control.

win liao loh..

teacher's day is coming

2009-08-29T22:17:00.002+08:00

hi bloggie,

today has been an interesting day.

i ate the sweetest chocolate i have ever tasted in my life
+
i got my first 'teacher's day gift'

quite happy to receive a gift, a rather unexpected one really.. from kids I mentor @ SSC

quite touched to receive a sugar snack from a very dedicated teacher ( whom we drove mad )

i wonder if .. a few years down the road.. i will receive my second teacher's day gift

and if ..

i will be the one giving the sugar snack to my students...

teaching has always been critical in mankind's progress.

it is the passing down of social norms, knowledge, skills, ideas, beliefs etc.

really essential.. and u need not be a professional teacher to teach;

"三人行必有我师焉" embodies the reality of it in a wonderfully succinct manner.

we learn everyday, everywhere - experience, they say is the key to learning...

therefore.. everything is a 'teacher'.

yes. this is what i want to do. my little contribution to society. my minute contribution to humanity. my tiny contribution that will propel us forward, into eternity.

transcendentalism at play here or some call it ''self-acutalization"

introspection does not enlighten me on whether i am doing this for altruism or is it just my ''selfish gene'' at work?

thou have no idea.. but going by the pascal wager, i shld just do it.

but i prefer to see the greater good behind it, it a classic ''matching of interests''
which is more often missed than experienced.

talk about “天时，地利，人和”
learn to seize the opportunity to attain what you stand for and what 'destiny' has in store for you.
call it the vector diagram of 'determinism' and 'free will'

i don't need anyone to teach me that.
but allow me to teach this to more people.

still don't understand what am i saying?
let me teach you....

2009-08-05T23:02:00.002+08:00

hello bloggie

and my .. erm.. non-existent blog readers.

i am acty glad ppl dun read my blog..

cos i dun really like ppl to noe wad i m thinking .. ( hardcore pro-IPR person here )

i dun like ppl to noe wad i m thinking cos i wana let my mind examine things on its own.

and my thoughts are always fluid ( thou, not a gd thing .. some ppl say consistency is a virtue.. then again.. ok.. tat discussion is not within wad i wana toke abt todae )

----

it is now 11.04, today is another of those high self-esteem day...

chionged my thesis and very satisfied with it. ( so is my tutor )

now, i am not trying to be complacent, but i stand by my '' less work, more quality '' principle.

recall how i sat in XXX laoshi's rm in beijing, listenin to ppl propose their research qns and line of argument..

XXX laoshi told me tat i shld get to work and not juz sit ard and listen..

i begged to differ, we need to noe wad lies ahead of us, hear and see wad others have done ( in the spirit of literature review and learning frm (others' past experiences) so tat we can maximize our productivity = less trial and error, more speed and accuracy ..

and walla! i sat ard ( of cos i was always looking for ways to plan my thesis, as in models of argument and etc. and familiarizing myself with the cold hard facts of my research topic .. and most imptly, thinking about how i thought of doing research )

i must admit, i did considerably well.. of cos.. i paid the price.. my paper scored low amongst my peers.. when our papers were graded by the renda prof and fudan prof..

my peers bugged their tutors, i juz slacked ard and ensured my research proposal was the best it can be. ( heck the submission to the prof )..

but i guess, i got carried away.. and i had to revamp quite a bit.. after tat.. but thankfully, i have fixed it arldy.. in juz 2 drafts.. my last draft shld be the final one..

now, back to the point,
i believe in less work, more products,
as mr sng puts it,

we learn by:
1. rationalizing ( aka using wad we noe and construct models and predictions )
2. indirect observation
3. direct experience

i place emphasis on each of the three very differently, but whichever way, i will fit in practical with theorical understanding.

now, when i feel i m superman and can do abt anything under the sun,

i need to critically consider wad do i wana do ..

i haf juz heard abt gd and bad things abt taking up a scholarship ( if i can land one )

i recog that scholarship and uni are means to an end..

but i oso recog tat our desired 'ends' are moving targets...

of cos.. certain sound principles SHOULD stay..

i have always wanted to work with ppl and develop ppl /society..

thus, i wanted to be a filmmaker, i dabbled into art and yes, i still love it very much, thou i had to make a choice.. use the ''indirect'' method ( art ) or "direct" method of working in the civil service? ( i m keeping my options open, but i noe i have veered towards teh direct mtd)

profit-making as prime objective is out of the question.

profit-making to help ppl, maybe..

but hey, frm artist wanabe ( i was serious, i did lots of things to develop in artistic areas ) to public servant wanabe.... shifting targets, moving ''ends''

of cos.. i m not saying tat a career is an ''end'', it is an ''end'' for me now, for i have no time and am seriously lacking in exposure to the civil service to consider my role in it (thou i can picture myself there and i have a s trong urge to join )..

but hey, if high school has been a life changing experience for me.. how abt uni?

well, i could join a no-student life college and juz work on working towards working in the public sector.. or i could try out new stuff and develop other areas?

ok nvm, i noe this will get nowhere, my believe that this kinda augment never provides solution, one muz consider context,objectives and of cos other constraints .. in making a judgement..

so here is it..

objective : develop ppl
context : 18 yr old kid.
constraints: the much travelled 'highway' or the normal lil roads (with no navigational signs) vs. constraints of the 'bond'

bond- gr8! it allows me to do wad i wana do.. but.. it might not be the best way i wana do it.. but i duno .. ( imperfect information signal ) .. nvm .. the 8/2 principle... so not a prob.

on a more practical lvl, wad if i get disillusioned? mm.. then again.. u cant reform things, u are ONE person, wad u can do is to get into the system, critically examine the system and learn to create an awareness in teh system of the need to grow.. now tat is the best way of change ( improvement & growth )

ok .. gr8. i think i haf an answer. having thought it thru, i think i m going for it.

serious.

no regrets? i rarely regret...regret only if i haf not done well.. and still haf the capacity to do well.. ( aka.. regret becomes source of energy to tie my thru mid job crisis) .. cos ' choices do not make ppl, how we react and make do, does the trick '

ok. i m urs. realli.

so it is now up to u, to decide if u wan me.

i see myself in it,
i see meaning in it,
i see the impt of being in it,
i see myself contributing my bag of ideas, inspirations,value-addedness to it
and i see myself be more than willing to give up many other things, juz for it,
tell me u dun wan me?

i m sry, i will find my way in,some how.

u are juz a means to an end, my means may change, but nth can change my fundamentals.

2009-07-06T17:33:00.002+08:00

some much for confidence crushing.. X.X

on a livelier note:

why i love and hate the study of history

2009-07-03T16:14:00.002+08:00

昨晚，
终于懂得
什么叫“记忆太吵我睡不着”

时间过得好快
瞬息的爱恋
似乎一去不回

当微笑不再是为谁
我还不知道
究竟是否
还会
有。。

期望
只会叫人失望
失望
的人
还能有什么期望呢？

就像哭干双眼的人
还能
继续哭下去吗？
连酒也不和我消愁
我还能干什么呢？

没酒喝
没泪流
难道就算好了吗？
后悔
不断后悔
的结果
依然是继续后悔

如果
我可以祷告
祈求
你说
我今宵的祈求
明年是否会变？
还是，
明年的祈祷
会被
去年的快乐
前年的惊喜
取代

傻乎乎地对着
没有笑容的脸
当时
我还没懂得察觉
原来
忘记笑的人
不是你
是
我

2009-07-02T22:26:00.002+08:00

床边有一只无尾熊
最近它时时刻刻望着闹钟
不知是在盼望什么
只知明天它就一岁了
不知谁会为它庆生

天边有一只大熊熊
已经很久没有见到它
不知它是否被遗弃在过去
还是永远陪伴在怀里
多一个月就是它的庆生
不知谁会为它庆生

不知今宵是熊熊们的诅咒
还是我过去的造孽
更不知是心酸造成胃酸
还是胃酸叫我心酸
总之，
酸酸的眼泪
已经融化了昔日的笑容。
胃酸心酸反正就是酸。

2009-06-25T16:53:00.000+08:00

sucks sucks
sucks

life sucks

but i will do it

2009-06-17T23:10:00.000+08:00

回到那个地方
不想你
是假的。。。。。

酸酸的感觉。
到底是什么呢？
手机能否给我谢谢答案？

2009-06-17T01:03:00.002+08:00

new ideas
new approach
new perspectives

how to exit
how to move towards, together
how to make things, beyond humans, but.. organizational

my ideas vs. our ideas
my innovation vs. our innovation
my plans vs. our plans
my vision vs. our vision

change the way
keep the fundamentals
let the system respond to it
(dun juz give it sth, teach it to innovate)

and be forgotteennnnnnnnnnn

yet.. u leave a legacy.. as if it is ur last day..

exit.

有惊无险

2009-06-12T22:31:00.002+08:00

怕。

恐。

又喜欢铤而走险。

胜利。

靠努力。

坚持。

我可以。

不会让它再发生了。

blabber

2009-06-01T21:59:00.002+08:00

pretty ones
there are more than 2
one for u
and one for u

but in the end
no one left
for me and u

juz me
juz u
no one left
but me&u

juz simply..
me&u..
who still needs a meNu-full?

2009-05-28T21:59:00.001+08:00

the nxt time u curse and swear at how stupid drama serials turn out to be ..

try introspection first.

then u noe who u are cursing and swearing about.

i m sry,darling

2009-05-28T21:47:00.002+08:00

as time passes,
memories will fade
clarity will be gone

but
reason will return
sense will become
if there is sth missing

it would be rashness,
pride and blindness.
i wonder what i can do
to bring time back

to put some sense
into the time before
maybe cos i wasnt listening

or maybe, i chose not to.
but surely,
it's no longer my turn to listen,
it's ur prerogative to not.

i m sry, darlin'
i so very am.
if only i can turn time back
and put in some sense.

it juz collapsed and all,
but i forgot
when i was in it all
that the one tat pushed the button
is the one
who regrets now

if only i can turn time back
before time buries everything and all..

now there's another,
i wish i have it all,
to prove that i was wrong
the ball is in my court.

i m sry, baby..
maybe. the time has juz gone..

gd day!

2009-05-23T17:27:00.002+08:00

feeling so satisfied..

seeing hope in the future

helping lil ones take small steps foward

and realising that things are acty much much better ..

gd day acty

muchy sleep

muchy work

muchy meaningful work

muchy improvements

muchy fun

muchy learning

muchy "job well done!"

well well..

sometimes.. let's juz go beyond..

pursue language as a major?

mm..

if only i can add it to my list of growing ''i wana learn!"

1. sociology
2. anthropology
3. comparative literature
4. comparative religious studies
5. linguistics
6. philosophy
7. developmental economics

i shld really try to get into a liberal arts college..

like SERIOUSLY..

for now..

it is slow notching the gear up..

GP check
CSC check
CLL check
History check
Maths in progress
H3 in progress

2 in the bag.. 6 more to go!

and of cos..

a wonderful time ahead

coming back and encouraging a lil cyclic ''returns'' of energy

u are starting to prove me wrong..

i hope i was wrong to begin with..

smarty pants..

get ur heart in the rite place and u will fly ..

i m juz contented with being a right hand man..

i can execute for nutz..

ok enuff of emptying my ''cache''

time to study the UN.. ( it may suck, but its our best foot forward thus far..a lil applause pls!.. OK GET BACK TO WORK.. to UN and me )

2009-05-22T07:41:00.001+08:00

又梦见你了。。。。。

2009-05-17T02:39:00.002+08:00

难道。。

你不觉得。。。

生命里。。少了什么的东西吗？

我又很多

比许多人得到很多。。

但是。。。

还是觉得。。少了什么东西。。

你知道是什么吗？

？？？？

看到一对老夫老妻。。

好罕见的奇迹。。

我开始头疼了。。。

2009-05-07T02:57:00.002+08:00

wad m i doing online at this hour?

enjoying life.

din like wad i read today..

no ..

not the dilemmas of int'l trade.. ( makes everything feels so dump.. juz going round one cyclic crap )

but ..

the individualism note

everything i do is for self-interest?

BULK!

nonsense..

i dun like tat

if there is one thing i dun like..

tat is tat ..

haiz..

but i duno..

if it is true..

i might as well work around it

it doesnt matter if i m or not..

the question is .. wad do i do wif wad i haf..

90/10 principle? old trick..

---

i wonder..

if it is juz this time of my life when my 'altruism' tends to infinite ..

or ..

i duno..

either case..

who cares about cyclic patterns ..

the pt is to sustain and get where..

of course.. the ups and dwns makes the journey more *gasps* interesting ..

---

on another note..

i realise how ..

'normal'

i m ..

usual stuff..

nth special

wad i see

wad i hear

wad i do

wad i try

wad i succeed

wad i fail

mm..

i m human ( thankfully )

but i m also inhumane..

beyond human tat is ..

supra human

like all other humans

the key lies in

transcending humanity

( into darkness or in the altruistic sense )

inferiority complex vs. superiority complex..

my god..

--

on a more ..

'humanistic' note..

i think i noe wad i m after..

but then again

this sounds familiar

i noe i noe..

we shall see..

this is one game i suck at

this is one game where there are more unknowns and inexplicable things /// too much for my liking .. really..

no wonder ..

we have dreams..

brilliant game plan..

--

tata..

back to music - youtube - essay practice ..

gd luck!

no not me..

i dun believe in luck..

--

stupid until proven worthy
kind until proven *evil*
possible until proven with tears.

me until the end of time
u? until.. ....

2009-05-02T03:45:00.001+08:00

常到的网页
浏览着过去的回忆
不知是
时间的流逝
还是
感情泪水的泛滥

我不知不觉
陷入了不知处
不知
图片里的
是过去
未来
还是现在

只知
明天已到来
还不快
下线离开。。。

2009-05-02T00:06:00.002+08:00

你无耻的面孔
走在众人的掌声中
时间慢慢的停下来
因为世界简直无法相信人们多么无知
而你是多么的无耻

众人的掌声
遮掩了你黑暗的一面
一次
一次或许不足以证明你的人格是腐朽的
但是它无法让我不去探讨你掩盖的
还有多少无人不知
无礼无义无廉无耻
无诚无信无勇无忠

你手中的透明物
你还是牢牢抓紧
好好掩护
否则光线透过它
你不可告人的一面
将是有目共睹的

我无权也无心去当那刺穿你人格的光
因为
我知道我也有不足之处
我也感谢你给我的锻炼
我只希望
下次会有个更好的原因
让我由衷地为你鼓掌

希望你翻阅报章
读一读内乱之事
变法之祸
即使是‘天经地义’
‘有道有理’
即使是‘存亡之事’
关键还是你的手段
是血淋淋
还是获得众人心

大多时候人是无知的
只有一霎那是贤明的
希望你将你在玩弄无知之士时
心是正的
到时，
你无需两手遮掩透明物
而可以携手向前进

2009-05-01T23:53:00.002+08:00

Addict: Hi, i would like to turn myself in, i am suffering from serious addiction
CNB officer: Yes, that is very brave and righteous of you, what are you addicted to? Heroin or ?
Addict: Something that every consumes.
CNB officer: Panadol Addiction?
Addict: er.. something to feed the human 'need'
CNB officer: sex drugs?
Addict: er.. love
CNB officer: excuse me sir, this is no joke, a drug addiction is one that makes you lose control over yourself and consume the substance excessively
Addict: that's love.

--
period.

2009-04-05T22:03:00.002+08:00

had a gd restful day

i find this strategy for preparations beta..

at least

nowadays..

i duno if it s cos my stamina has died down

or the work i m dealing with requires more energy

sometimes i cant do more than 4h of concentrated work.. sometimes i cant do more than 1.5h..

and wad's worse..

my head will ache..

i used to be able to go 6-7 non-stop

or clocking impossible timed practices at like wad.. 1am.. right after an exhausting day of other activities?

i miss those imba marathons ..

but well..

i must admit

i do do more rigorous thinking nowadays..

retention rate of wadeva i read thru is higher too ..

maybe..

haha..

ok back to work..

after watching F1..

enjoying my cold war read

and erm.. catching sum gd slp

i duno..

i m shedding tat ''mug and will win'' mindset..

it's a great loss of confidence..

but i noe ..

i m moving frm studying to learning..

tat's more meaningful

and i get to go the depth..

sth i nv appreciated in the past..

when swallowing chunks of (lil) info .. [yes.. o lvl amt of info / concepts so very little, relative to As]

at least now when i swallow info..

i noe learn how to synthesize new info into ''my'' info

on another note

to a friend who doesnt read my blog

i wish u well..

some said

聪明反被聪明误

i say

漂亮反被漂亮误

幸福反被幸福误

i envied you..

only to realise the whole world, but urself, envies u ..

so wad is the point.....

poor u ..

troubles of the heart? it's the same old story ..

dun the scriptwriters ever get bored?

×　ｎｏ　．．　ｉ　ｍ　ｎｏｔ　ｈｉｎｔｉｎｇ　ｃｕｐｉｄ　ｔｏ　ｃｏｍｅ　ａｎｄ　ｋａｊｉａｏ　ｍｅ　ｗｉｔｈ　ｎｏｖｅｌ　ｉｄｅａｓ　×　

2009-04-01T22:44:00.002+08:00

today, during civics, we sat down to think.

think abt wad u wana haf achieved 10yrs down the road.

i always had clear goals

it took me quite awhile to find them and choose

but yes.

i noe i haf onli one destination. ( of cos i would love the others if i dun get this one )

but central to my goal is to haf a nice lil family.

i duno why.

i seemed to crave for it a lot.

past tense -> future tense?

i hope reali.

but as i thought i haf grown and learned to curb the excesses of my undesirable character..

i acty am..

still me ..

well.. education and cultivation of the mind and 'heart' may have done a great deal to make me more 'civilised'

but i m scared.

i m scared of harming ppl i care most abt.

history has proven it once.

things i nv thought would haf happened, happened.

now i look back,

i realised, i m not the only one tat haf to put up with the excesses of our inadequacies.

in short, i still am, myopic in one sense, blind to certain, otherwise obvious things.

maybe i shld think twice.

or juz think again ..

is it..

possible?

i duno reali.

i mean, i still dream of it, a lot

and i still find it very impt to me

and it still is a great part of my life ( thought it is rather vague now )

i duno..

wad lies ahead for me.

i dun believe in determinism

i believe tat man can change the course of his/her destiny

but .. i reali duno about this..

cos ... it is not juz me ..

not only do i need to convince myself,

i need to find reasons compelling enough to trust myself to be ..

wad i dream to be . .

venerable bald head once said,

'only in a relationship, will u realise that the world is not about yourself'

i hope he can teach me,

if there is anything i really wana learn frm him,

is how can i learn to better appreciate the other side of the world ..

tat i so often dream about

but so very convieniently always take for granted..

or not even realise .. the existence of her importance and the importance of her existence

i duno ..

i reali hope what the wise but odd one said today is true:

we are in this formative stage where our personalities are still half-baked,

this is so that i, still have the glimmer of hope..

of becoming a better person

for the person i wana become better for..

it's the end of sth new..

2009-03-24T22:31:00.006+08:00

tribute to the team of ppl who made hell for me,
and whom i made life hell for..

it is the end of something new..
it feels like crap
to be here with you..

and now looking in your eyes
i feel in my heart..

tears rolling down our eyes..

Lyrics | High School Musical Cast - Start of Something New lyrics

2009-03-21T00:09:00.000+08:00

即使。。
你不能听到。。
我每晚的呼唤。。

我不妨再跟你说
一声。。

未来希望是属于你我的。。

2009-03-12T01:57:00.001+08:00

wad would have been a happy day
was destined
not to happen
today.

some thoughts

2009-03-06T22:58:00.004+08:00

let me take a moment..
away frm work

i came home.. and felt ready to launch myself into work
why?
cos i got motivated or rather.. electrified into working for my As.

i have been pushing hard for this term
after orientation and stuff
and keeping C running

but recently, i knew i needed to slowdown
i was pushing too hard
i was juz 2 steps away frm peaking too early

i paused.. and moderated things,
caught up with my sleep
and learnt more during lessons
and enjoyed the learning.

ok back to the issue

day off? irony man..
i duno
these ppl are the ppl we held in high esteem
wonderful cream of the crop
but really..

my belief of ''if u haf talent, u haf nth to fear'' is true,
those with REAL talent did shine
and brightly ..

yes talent as in (hardwork + awareness to work hard + gift)
but unfortunately
this exam is a very very polarising one

it MUST have some ppl to do badly
for some ppl to do less well

RJC raised the bar.. 11.4% of its ppl got perfect UAS scores ( 471 of them will kick ass, NTU, NUS will be listening to their requests before they entertain the rest of US)

my god.. how many LAW and Medicine places are there? ( yes, i haf many friends who dream of getting into these 2 ''prestigious faculties'' )

and hey.. this is only RJC! how about hwachong, vjc, njc ( with their uber imba science results + tie ups research programme with A*STAR .. so what if we have a ''science talent search winner'' .. we only have ONE CMS.. and we are STILL the underdog.. )

i duno..
we haf 11% of 7/8 Distinctions .. we also have quite a sizeable number of ppl with 6.. but we also have a few .. who get ''polarised''..

u see..
exams are very very polarising..
we din feel like it is ..
cos before,
in O lvls.. we were the ones in the '' elite '' grp.. the more ''behind'' ppl are those who did badly.. unfortunately ( due to simple statistics and le bellcurve ).. allow us to be the '' elites ''

in A lvls.. only the final few remains..

so..
amongst the elites,
u muz polarize..

for every perfect score.. there is sumone who completely flops..

every college tries to be ''better''
but for every college that makes history.. another college is making history too.. ( as the worst performing .. )

i m sorry..

we all believe in Science rite..
Darwinism at work loh..

social darwinism..

i m juz worried..

for dhs..
will be become a tjc..
or be like the old dhs in Olvls..

happy to stay as number 5.. or ''second tier of the top tier''

the odds appeared to sway in our favour earlier this year:
HCI's PSLE cut off is lower than ours..
NJC in first year.. not so much a threat ..

but i m sorry.. with such A lvl results ( which we scarely managed to be number 4, at best ) .. no way..

even if a certain V doesnt open its high school section..
ppl will jump
and jump MORE
and jump FASTER
u cant blame them
we juz ..

aint up to it ..

no to mention .. if we wana attack the top 2 ... ouch..

we need to realize that we may spiral into ''competition fatigue'' if we stay at number 4 too long.. we will juz be contented.. juz look behind ah.. there are XXX JC and XXX JC to "dian-di'' no problems...

yes we argue that for society.. this is gd.. .competition.. better brains..

after all.. even if there are 1000000 Perfect scorers ( meaning juz as many flops ) .. society IS progressing.. the cohort is pitched at a higher lvl..

but to those who flopped.. where can they go.. how can they realise their dreams

i m still a BIG idealist..
i believe in helping ppl keep their dreams alive
with horrible floppy grades..
u tell me how..

no wonder they say.. a lvls is the toughest test..

(cos most uni do not have stupid bell curves in their grading system)

yes.. today ..

suddenly all my teachers seemed to be preaching the same thing:
work bloody hard..give other things a miss ( partially ) for now..

yes.. i m sure they can see me working hard..
but wad if working hard aint enuff..

i m kinda worried..
i haf to ask .. what's next.. before i find myself .. finally being put on course for A.. i noe yes yes.. i shld be asking and taking the initiative..

but if DHS wana be the top..
this ought not be the case..
i m not blaming teachers...

cos i noe.. in the top IMBA colleges.. they do not stimulate the students like that ..

the students go kajiao them

but now.. to most of us in DHS..

stories of our teachers ( who were IMBA students in their days ) kajiaoing THEIR teachers who din care too much back then... appear distant and too idealistic for us to role model after..

well. i would say i m different frm the rest.. i have been harassing my teachers during crucial years (ask mr hong, mrs chu, mr lim, mrs ong even .. ) .. i am overtly competitive .. ( been controlling it.. )

i kajiaoed them from the start.and i will start to kajiao my teachers..

i m juz sad for some of my snrs ..

wonderful ppl..

AAAAAAAA C
AAAAAAAA B

suddenly my GP A looks distant.. ( but i will scale it .. i dun care .. )

ABCD
ABCDE

wonderful ppl

but .. haiz..
i wun let tat happen to me .. but i wana help my friends who are sinking into that and not caring too much about it ..

i duno.. they justify by saying .. i haf passion in other areas..

so do i..

i wana be a change agent
i wana improve ppl's lives
i wana do things for my loved ones
i wana build a nice home for my darling and my darlings
i wana do this this this ..

i suddenli realised.. like for every university entry pre-requisites..
i need a minimum qualification..

which may or not be relevant at all ( e.g. FASS requires erm.. a couple of passes in H2 subjects.. whether sci or arts .. )

YES.. studies.. ( no not learning ) but studies.. as in exams and scoring etc.

as i edge closer my destination..
i find myself .. out of range.. for certain things: PW distinction ( freak.. i suddenli think this big crap grade will kill my PSC chances and MAP chances.. - freak.. i dun care.. one possible easy to ace distinction down.. i MUST get the rest )

i wana stand on the stage like 12-16 of them did..
i wana finally make my mark..
i wana gain sum recognition for my academics ( after being very very close in yr 2, yr 3 and yr 4 ) it is the final piece of this ''pre-requisite'' thingy that i need..

i juz saw hwachong's website.. apart frm the top scorers.. they have writeups on outstanding students ( who are imba for example : maths pro + track captain of nationals champion team .. recognised MUN expert + astromonoy club P (8 distinction) .. CIP guru + sum other imba academics.. )

i m sure they either haf 8 6 or 7 distinctions..

and MOST of them have secured uni entry PLUS my most sought after TARGET .. the OMS ..
like wth.........

i suddenli relooked the scholarship listings.. and sudden added more alot more.. into my basket..

not cos i think i wun get OMS.. i noe i can secure sth.. (hints at a very obvious one )

but well.. we shall see.. i juz wana be prepared to keep my options open

u see..

i m not craving for the prestige ..
i m not craving for the free education

i DO wana make a change for PEOPLE
i DO wana make a nice home for my darling
i DO wana make sth for my family..

yes.. but so do others ( as mentioned above + many of the imba ppl who graduated frm DHS )

so it makes sense for society to ONLY give the MOST and BEST resources to the BEST ppl..

it is my responsibility to take this passion and PROVE that i not only have the passion
but also..

the ABILITY ..

passion without ability is rubbish ( u will juz bang and bang and die )
ability without passion is a problem ( that is not for me to settle.. until i get the job and can effect a change on this issue, which i believe is not of significant proportion to render a problem )

i noe..

it is now back to work

sorry to all those who did not use their time and youth properly
the truth is..

time will not turn back
i haf won the psychological battle
cos i haf an end in mind
and i haf the methods to work towards it

it is juz how much .. can i do..
within the boundaries i haf restricted myself to.. ( due to my follies )

the odds are not in my favour..
well acty.. they are.. but juz not fully in my favour..

it is time for me to work and push it thru
i lost it during yr 4... same problem..
yr 5 partially..

but now .. no no .. time to get rid of tat ..
for my beloved second home,
u haf taught one person, at least , to work for sth BIG,
i hope u can do more..

i will help..
as much as i can..
but .. i hope.. i can get to the root of the problem.. one day..
in the position to do so..

i feel like dawan frm sing to the dawn now ..

juz .. i m way better off than her.. but i need to be relatively better than the person i m competing against ..cos.. if i dun do so.. kawai will win . .

selfish?na.. juz offering society more choices and better choices to groom..

gd bye msn.. hello ''little ppl mode''

learn from tried and tested.. ( if it makes sense, even if ur non-beneficial side of human psyche tells u otherwise ) .. cos .. u noe it is MARGINAL benefits that will reap u PROFITS..

i like econs really..

sadly i din take it ..

2009-03-01T01:50:00.003+08:00

hello
the time is 1.51 am
i juz finished blasting a grp of ppl tat i care a lot about

recently, been working on regeneration a lot..
and ppl around me have been talking about learning and teaching, mentoring etc. alot

well...
i guess caring for the next generation or caring about the young is a natural instinct.
it definitely is a very powerful force:

i see ppl who engage in sins and less than acceptable behaviours ( which their age allows them to ) become wonderful role models in front of the young - no dun get me wrong, they are no hypocrites, they acknowledge openly their behaviour, and remind the young not to follow

i see ppl who would pay a lot less attention to their image and work become UBER careful and 'gd' or rather.. be at their best.. to teach the young!

i see ppl giving up everything else... to educate the young ( see truckloads of old teachers )

as we can see.. caring for the future.. tat we cannot care for directly is so.. impt to us..

but then again..

are we caring too much?

how perfect are we to ''mentor'' and ''teach'', if we are not infalliable, we may err in teaching. of cos, i noe i noe, it beats not teaching at all.. but how do we measure and then maximize the 'gd' in teaching and minimize the ''err'' in teaching.

i noe of many fierce critics of anti-teachers.. or teachers who teach the wrong things ( not just teachers in school, but all sort of mentors/ snrs )

i too believe that if u are not confident of teaching, then shutup ( like FOX news always does )

but then.. how confident m i of mentoring?

tat brings me to another point..

how confident m i of my methods?

every harsh point has a trade off - the natural human response: irritation
the more points u deliver, the more irritated the audience gets ( see nagging maths teachers, stern disciplinarians, even mummy and daddy and myself )

the more irritated they get, LDMR sets in .. u lose effectiveness..

how then ... to get ppl to listen, yet not dictate, yet not losing effectiveness.. i noe of sumone who has harsh words but gd intentions for one's student..

" too bad, if they dun listen, but i must be frank" .. i acknowledge this honesty, but if students are so understanding and sensible , they would be unlikely to haf errered in the first place..or the gd would become better(cos only the gd will listen) so .. clearly.. this is a polarising situation : gd become better, the worse gets worst

aint this a very very bad situation? defeat the purpose of educating.. educate to make better, not educate and in the midst of doing so, make things worse.

how can we do so?

mm...

since knowledge is limitless, no one can haf all knowledge, who then, has enuff knowledge to qualify as a 'gd' teacher? ( back to point on top )

of cos,working with ppl is very very special, there is an added ''human-touch'' to things.. u need to connect with ppl.. u nid to do things tat will yield the best effects ( aka. teach but dun irritate , assuming u alrdy haf a lvl of moral authority or respect, which in my case, is completely absent ) ..

the key i think, is sum sort of ''trust'' and ''faith'' .. i will listen to u, even if i hate u.. cos i noe u are doing it for me . and u are doing the 'rite' thing.. even if i hate u ..

but how do we create this faith in the first place? i noe of sumone who has an impossible amt of moral authority.. but sadly, nv used it to the max.. to inspire others..

recently, a certain mentor ''showed me the way'', this person did the same things i haf been doing.. but yielded completely different results ( this person had positive , i had negative results ) .. how so? not cos this person thinks more? no cos this person does things differently.. in fact so many thing this person said sounded like mine... .then how?

also.. another revered mentor said the same thing to a particular person .. in the same harsh tone .. and justified the same way as i did .. about 5 mths ago.. about clarity in writing.. but .. i got a scolding and an insult in return, this mentor got to deliever the msg rite..

true, the ppl whom u wana help may be so obsessed with his/her points or thesis that he/she forgets that .. hey.. my critic may have a point .. but then.. how shld i , as a constructive critic help?

criticism nv goes dwn well, even the most gentle or most constructive ones..who can i get ppl to believe that i may be right..

wad if i noe that i m right.. but the person decides that no.. i m not .. and i m really really sure ( along with other ppl ) that i m right.. do i go '' i respect wad u believe in .. i respect ur choice and autonomy" .. so u can go bang into the wall.. if u really wana..

when and how can i justify that he or she is really headed for doom..

but wait.. m i very sure of it in the first place.. i will never noe reali.. until like in this case.. 5mths later.. BOOM BANG BOOOOONNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGG ... ( it really upsets me at times.. see the past 3 wks.. i got so worked up.. and so disappointed after a certain challenge.. i was so shocked..not by the challenge, but by my response.. i got so emotionally worked up over it.. why do i bother so much? .. too much.. to the extent it acty made me overreact .. unlike the usually calm and unemotional manner of dealing with such things.. )

i guess it is the ''moral authority''.. the amt of faith, blind or assumed.. placed by the ppl in these mentors' hands.. is .. juz way higher than mine..

so i see.. moral authority, faith winning and respect is impt ..

that is one thing i din achieve... thou .. i calculated tat to focus on another was more impt .. and rightfully so... but yes.. things could haf been alot easier ..

now tat i haf done the other thing considerably well.. it is time to work on this aspect of me..

mm.. moral authority, respect, faith winning, support garnering..

i think .. it starts with '' image'' and ''impression'' .. now it is starting to make sense .. the whole obsession with image ..

i used to play the '' i haf substance, style will melt .. " but i forgot.. the best of the best.. haf both.. so.. if u insist tat substance will bring u somewher.. i m not wrong.. juz tat.. i will always be subordinated .. ( not by others.. but by myself)

mm.. maybe i was right.. 1 yr's time .. it is possible to tide it true.. juz barely.. without too much moral authority .. compensated with a lot of cards playing..

but if i can combine both.. then.. wow..wad power it would have been..

but then. . hey.. it is not about authority or power garnering tat interests me..
this is neutral.. power-hunger is not bad or gd..

but wad u do after u amass power or support.. is the polarity determinant..

so yes, i m a political animal.. but i m sure, i will use it to a gd cause.. now .. i shall try to work towards being one who does not need the cards, but one who can work wonders without the cards, but the hearts..

mm...

Left eye right

2009-02-27T22:22:00.000+08:00

Have u ever felt, as if your left eye isn’t listening to u?
Have u ever felt, as if your right eye isn’t listening to u?
As if they were magnets of same ends,
Repelling each other,
Finding their way to both ends of your vision,
Slowly but surely,
Failing to resist the temptation to take a peek.
Right so beautiful
Left so wonderful
No wonder they are spoilt for choice
No wonder they ain’t listening to me
But hey, just like my heart, they can’t hear anything,
They just follow the river that flows through my heart
No wonder my eyes are blood shot now.

revalation

2009-02-20T22:45:00.002+08:00

being nice

thank you for being nice
i saw u as an evil force, inherently bias against me
as if u were soviet and i was US

more like i m soviet and u are US
cos, like US, u will get the final laugh,
and i will come to concede that you are better than i m

but now u offered kindness
maybe i shld be kicked in the ass
for doubting and untrusting
so much for 'fraternity'

i duno realli
how much more unreal threats haf i declared
only to find them
merely hot air
full of crap.

maybe this is how we kill each other
for being stupid and doing wad makes us human: thinking
i think therefore i am alive,i am man
i think too much, therefore i was once alive, once a man.
the paradox of being man.

i am a paradox therefore i am man?

2009-02-12T23:39:00.002+08:00

behind everything gd or nice
there is an underlying danger that will erupt one day

my life have been gd.
so.......

sucks.
the most valuable part
the part i care most about just sucks
like crap.

cant i juz pygmalion effect abit..
juz believe that u can
and u will.

o damn it.
pygmalion and my usual air of confidence juz disappears in this domain
m i trying to be truthful or
m i juz sucky at it.

but damn, it's the most crucial .. sucks..

2009-02-12T09:59:00.000+08:00

突然有点想念你的冲动，

可能是因为一切是未完的梦，

希望一切能缓解当初的痛，

只因为一切教懂我伤痛。

突然有些爱你的冲动，

可能是因为我自己也体会到痛，

希望在迷宫找到出口，

走出这黑暗无光的冲动。

突然有些心中伤痛的冲动，

不知想往哪里走，手往哪里投。

可能是今夜的朦胧，

覆盖了理智的我。

不知是今夜，明夜或永远，

这痛似乎离不开我。

突然有走出黑暗的冲动，

让我不停盼望下一个梦，

唯有心中知道自己痛，

却不能对你多说。。多说。。

对你多说。。。

----

人家的情歌是往前写的。。我的却像我的心。。不停地徘徊在同样的地方。。

please

2009-01-29T23:24:00.002+08:00

archiving.
cos.
i need more space
for the future.

keeping the memories
both lovely and teary
in one place.

not to move away frm it
but to hold it closer to my heart.

all those painful words
so easily
stabbed thru.
the pain
i might not haf felt in my frenzy

now i noe
i still very much.
very so very much would like u to be ard

i only can hope
for our paths to cross again.
pls.

2009-01-28T02:23:00.003+08:00

last sat was SAT test day.
been hearing a lot from a lot of people,
talking about mental stamina,
difficulty in focusing in the start-stop 5h exams.

i duno if this is a god given gift.
i din not feel any fatigue.
or rather, never in my education career have i ever felt fatigue during an exam.

well.
SAT - in retrospect,
i could have dug time out of Orientation to work on SAT. move on, next round of testing coming!

SAT reminded me of a few things:

1. MATHS - i am blessed with good memory, like good graphic memory, like a pdf file, i can rmb pages of notes like .. pdf files! bio bk, chem bk, tys, u name it, u got it. but i just refuse to rmb maths. - argh. so much for trying to have fun. i can rmb the page with the maths formula i needed for those questions, only to find them 'blank' cos i never bothered to write anything in my maths notes, apart from poems and inspirations and agendas.

wasted.

2. Could have done better - if i had read up on the other sections of the guide bk -.-

3. Stress, conditions, pressure. I work like a rubber band, no stress, no work. guess that is why i m gd for exams. interestingly, i outperform myself when I am going thru emotional turmoil. -ok cut the crap about emotions, been reading up on the philosophy of emotions. =.=

4. choices - SAT, gateway to US education- how nice, the most advanced teritary education centre in the world! then again, going abroad, if i ever get a scholarship, would mean saying gdbye to A, saying gdbye to F, saying gdbye to F, saying gdbye to U.. i duno... i wana go strive for my E interests.. yet.. the F dream seems more appealing, yet, E interests may make F dream easier, but if i choose E, i may lose F.. haiz.. it's a chicken and egg thing. rationale and objective and progress-oriented me knows that these are necessary costs, and i noe i will choose E eventually, and move on .. but F.. would u wait for me? would A wait for me? would F wait for me? i duno.. i hope all of u can do me a big favour, but i noe it is tad unfair for u all. sucks.

fraility of F makes me scared, what if i end up losing all? I only have one shot at E. but i m quite sure u cant join me / i cant join u, if i go E. how how how. conclusion: not everything is high school musical ending.

5. retaking - yea.. until i hit 2250, i wun stop ;P heheheh .. no tks to ur popular myths, misinformed dude.

6.time to work for the other A. heck the rest, 200+ days to AAAAA. go to hell, doubters!

7. i cant wait for the beach acty, time to catch up wif lost time.

8.A.. to leave or not to leave, i will cfm in a few hours. but i noe, objective,rationale deepdwn tells me, this is hardly a case to contend - u noe wad to do, move on..

but well.. it is hard to say gdbye either way..

9. ''sensitivity'' interesting thing about why we shld not allow science to kill our wise-folk-know-how

10. psychologists have found this emotion called ''in a flow'' - where u just move on momentum, after gaining a high lvl of expertise. haha.. i feel that often, dun u, fellow high-fliers, ( not in maths ). i like tat feeling, interesting.

back to work! .. but first.. sidetrack to find out about E

2009-01-28T02:13:00.000+08:00

to laugh at others
who have no stamina

is to laugh at oneself.
for.
u will fail one day.

i haf.
haf u?

out of steam.
so?

who is who?

2009-01-26T22:34:00.001+08:00

put 2 million of them together,
and i wun noe who is who

put 2 of them together,
i still wun noe who is who

noe me if u will
cos i duno u..

2009-01-23T20:57:00.002+08:00

crap.

i m not writing well.

just deleted a chunk of crap.

really,

i duno.

it is dear to me.

* thou i am not dear to it *

i am highly dispensable.

it has given me more than i have returned.

now i nid to make a choice

gd bye, with the possibility of losing forever.

or

continue to try to work, with the possibility of not contributing to the lvl i wish i can contribute.

how.
how.
how.

i duno..

haiz.

2009-01-21T00:18:00.003+08:00

tonite,

there are No Lights.

just Stars and lots of Chatter.

they are beautiful.

one moment in time,

two status of growth.

elegance, u haf no lack.

simplicity and innocence even on ur back.

how i wish

there be more

there be dwn dwn, just above the ground.

woots

2009-01-19T01:01:00.002+08:00

sometimes i wonder..

is being at the top, like-able?

i mean.

u are detached frm the grassroots.

u are the highest, nearest when trouble comes frm above

u are the highest, furthest frm the grassroots

u are the highest, furthest frm the fun, the 'thaank-yous' and *hugs* when they come below

leader, awesome, influential?

sounds boring.

"give ur OGLs a hug and u are dismissed" -> i haf no OGs!
"let's take committee photos!" -> i haf no committees!
"let's have dept outing!" -> i haf no dept.

o wells.

rambling about nth much worthy of ramblings.

haiz. i feel like a construction worker; build a house for u, ur family moves in, have gd time, i stay out. period.

From Strength to Strength

2009-01-06T02:27:00.001+08:00

BUSY !! Bye bye Bloggie for now ..

but the nxt time i come back...

it will be SH spirit burning strong!

FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH

WOOTS!

2009-01-02T01:05:00.002+08:00

interesting to read about myself:

INTP:
If INTPs do not, or cannot find a place where they can use their gifts and be appreciated for their ocntributions, they usually feel frustrated and may become cynical and negative critics who are sarcastic and destructively critical.

They may be insensitive to the needs of others for information and emotional connection and decide something they or others value is not important because its ' not logical '.

They may also fail to consider the impact of their ideas or style of expression on others and be impractical, forgetting details such as appropriate dressing, unpaid bills, being late, and physical needs.

INTPs are energized by work environments that give them maximum autonomy in pursuing particular interests and passions.

INTPs find it hard to thrive in environments that require them to function under strict rules, procedures and regulations. Even worse, if they are supervised by superiors they deem ''incompetent''.

INTPs are tolerant of a wide range of behaviour, aruging and raising issues only when they believe its reasonable to do so. This flexibility diappears, however, when their ruling principles are challenged; then they stop adapting.

INTPs often need trusted family and friends to validate that the situation was indeed stressful, however, this has to be relatively unsolicited by the INTPs. INTPs would also appreciate being excused, at least temporarily, from the task at hand.

INTPs outline principles on which the work is based and fostering a climate that is flexible and unstructured and autonomous.

INTPs irritate by showing little respect for established roles and hierarchies and expressing impatience with those who demand or practise close supervision.

INTPs are irriated by ppl who expect that their title will be a sufficient credential for leadership.

INTPs may irritate by being unrealistic about the level of commitment or follow-through needed to enact change.

INTPs solve problems by providing both critical vision and intellectual insight and by raising possibilities so that decisions can be made by majority or consensus.

yea.. ppl who have worked with me before.. so true hor?

2009-01-01T23:39:00.002+08:00

今晚的雨就让它自己干
如果，
它能把黑盒子填满，
你是否
会回来，
告诉我
你会买一个
更大的
给我
装满一切的回忆
让我在不久以后
还给你
在你孤单的夜里
陪伴着你
就像你的照片
给我带来无限的美丽

2009-01-01T23:06:00.002+08:00

how can one be happy, when the only source of happiness, in this bleak black dark world,
is gone.
esp when oneself is to blame.
for blowing out the flame tat gave light to one's world.
a flame tat stood out so long.
so strong.
determined to burn forever.
until one.
went to put it off.
and one said,' i never wana put it off'.
fucker.

awkwardness

2009-01-01T22:22:00.001+08:00

thinking.
person.
like i haf always been.

anymore of these words would put one into awkwardness.
enuff said.

无奈

2008-12-31T23:12:00.002+08:00

无奈

有一种笨蛋傻瓜的感觉
叫‘无奈’

看到你关心的人难过，
我无奈
听到你心疼的人受苦
我无奈
遇到你不能解决的事
我无奈
了解了世界的谜团
我无奈

掏出热烘烘的心，
却还是无奈，
才是世界上最无奈的无奈，
我关心的人
我心疼的人
我遇到的事
我了解的谜团
我很紧张你

你可以尝试
让我少一些无奈吗？
或许，你为我少一分疼，
我为你少一分无奈，
问题就不在是让人无奈的无奈

以推为进

2008-12-31T22:41:00.002+08:00

it's been quite a year for me

reached the peak,
the happiest point on earth
-not alone.

reached the bottom,
the lowest point on earth,
-not alone.

changed much aplenty,
the most impt thing on earth,
-not negatively.

managed quite well,
the toughest thing bugging me,
-not too difficultly.

tried out quite sumtings,
makes me wonder even more,
-not too badly.

march on 2009,
on another new journey,
-not too fatigue.

embrace the new world,
as long as,
-not without being happy.

hope u are doing well,
move on with memories that gives u smiles,
and keep your fingers crossed,
so,
just maybe,
fate may allow criss-crossing again.
-not without u, never again.

hapi bdae!

2008-12-31T22:37:00.002+08:00

hapi bdae
long time no seen friend
the last time i saw u
was when i was still in short pants

hapi bade my friend
always on the last dae
just before the first
i wonder how long more
it will be
i wonder wonder.. wonder off..

hapi bdae
let the time fly by
let the memories take to the sky
for tonite
the stars are not lonely
with more of them
coming up into the skies,
with a bang and a boom,

hapi bade to u !

hapi bdae to u

2008-12-29T22:46:00.002+08:00

hapi bdae to u
blessings coming from the unknown
u may not noe me
but just,
hapi bdae to u

too distant
too complicated

did i juz saw u on the bus?
stop staring at me like tat!

cya.
if.
ever.

蛮重要的东西

2008-12-27T10:20:00.002+08:00

luckily for echoes..
thankful for memories..
sth to keep close to ur heart..
to help you pass the time..
with a big smile..

乱世浮生？
沉不了的啦。。。
不如。。
就戏戏水？

2008-12-25T18:23:00.000+08:00

天团就是天团。。
merry xmas..
希望大家都能体会到爱的感觉

-多情善感的人启

双对的夜和我作对

2008-12-20T21:38:00.005+08:00

今晚什么都是双双对对的，
路上的脚车都是双人骑，
叫的鸡排配猪排，
点的奶茶加咖啡，
坐的座位左边配右边，
找的钱也是双双对对的，
就连餐厅里的音乐也是对唱曲。

孤独的人像是缺了一半的对，
叫我怎么自我安慰？
餐厅的单人座已经唯我独尊，
单人骑的脚车，走了几步就停几步。

坐上了又如何？
会骑又怎么样？
想给的惊喜，
唯有送给自己，
希望能填补一些空虚。

2008-12-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

不是有一句“突然的想念你”？
怎么还唱得那么高兴？
可能是为了商业利益的包装
还是。。
想念一个人其实是甜的？
你说。。
我该信哪个呢？

我的心告诉我
想念一个人
不甜。
一点也不甜。

2008-12-16T18:09:00.002+08:00

当你，
发现，
你依靠的
不见时。。
你该如何呢。

开手机
就心疼
开电脑
就疑惑

闭眼睛
就流泪
开嘴巴
就无奈

听广播
就难过
写日记
就后悔

乘捷运
就痛苦
搭巴士
就彷徨

看电影
就孤独
写文章
就自嘲

只好闭上眼睛，
告诉自己，
一下下就过去了
唯恐，
过去
就这样过去了。。